worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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