Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
