____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So vagazzling was a success
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
