I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Holy sore nipples Batman
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
