I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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