i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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