Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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