So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
