i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
