I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
