the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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