tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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