We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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