I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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