Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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