I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
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