dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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