I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
