Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
