he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
