You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
