I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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