she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
