I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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