I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
