you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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