okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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