And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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