Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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