My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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