I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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