My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
