She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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