Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
