I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
