I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
