FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
