My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
where are my eyebrows?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
