I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
please come you make the beer taste better
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
