There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
