after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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