...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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