I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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