I just made out with a guy for $7.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
