Have you finally orgasmed yet?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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