Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
