whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
