is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
