i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
