i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
